You Don't Want To Be Alone
by Miss Nihilist
Summary: Your name is Karkat Peixes, and you are less than a sweep away from conquering Earth. One human by the designation of "Dave Strider" has been sent to you as a… "gift." You can't decide if he's the single most horrible creature you've ever met, or the only one who gets you. (Bloodswap AU)


**A/N: This is a gift to my girlfriend for her birthday! (Probably late, haha.)**

 **I hope she (and you guys) enjoy it.**

* * *

It has been the equivalent of three revolutions around their weak sun since you began your work on conquering Earth. Humans are remarkable in terms of spirit, but you aren't worried. Hope and effort only gets so far. Their weapons are inferior, and their numbers are dropping. Your patience prevails. Earth is a very strategic spot in their galaxy for the continued expansion of your empire. You could easily obliterate their world with your flagship, but you would prefer to avoid cluttering their solar system with the debris. You're almost done, anyway. It won't be long now.

In contrast, you have known the human by the distinction "Dave Strider" for just three Earth rotations. The number of times that you have considered feeding him to your lusus is remarkable. (Although, Gl'bgolyb technically isn't your lusus anymore since you defeated your ancestor and became the rightful ruler of the Alternian empire. He will find a descendent of yours to care for at some point in the far future. You can no longer consider him to be your lusus, but your point still stands.)

You are told that "Dave" has quite the impressive skill with a sword. He was captured when he and a group of Rebel humans foolishly attempted to infiltrate one of the bases you have established on Earth in order to gain the schematics to your flagship and find a way to bring it down. That wouldn't have happened, though. They would have only been shown what a truly impressive feat of science you have at your disposal. Nonetheless, all humans except for him were slaughtered. Whereas they had guns and primitive plasma beams reverse engineered from troll technology, he had only a sword. And still, he managed to defeat five of the best blueboods on site before he was finally captured. One of your finest men would have impressed you. But Dave took down three females and two males, only to have his weapon knocked from his hand and his back forced up against the wall. Rather than kill him, he was sent to your approaching flagship as a… gift to you. The troll who issued this command was your friend, Sollux Zahhak.

You expect that he knew exactly what was going to happen when you got your hands on Dave.

And you make a note to bitch about it to him accordingly the next time you have the opportunity to scream directly into his face. HD monitors are nice, but it's not quite the same. You have a rant brewing and, _oh_ , is it going to be _good_. Sollux deserves only the best for tormenting you like this.

Since he has arrived, the only thing that you have been able to get out of Dave is his name. And even then, it came with so many curses, threats, insults, and swears in between that you almost missed his actual name. His constant spewing of that bullshit earned him a few days in the sensory deprivation chamber. You have learned that humans are a lot weaker - both physically and mentally - than trolls are, so you studied their forms of torture throughout the ages with the help of your good friend Aradia Ampora. She has a fondness for history, as well as the suffering of those she views as "beneath her," so she was perfect for the job. Sensory deprivation was her idea. A few days alone with no sight, sound, taste, or sense of touch will do Dave well.

You're checking in on him now, studying him through the one-way glass. To him, it's pitch-black inside the small capsule, but you can see him clear as day. He's suspended in a special breathable water that your ancestor developed about one hundred sweeps ago just for torture purposes. You wonder how agonizing it must be for Dave - to know that his escape is all around him but that he can't suffocate himself. You've received reports that he's tried. But as soon as he passes out from lack of air to his brain, he relaxes and the oxygen rich water floods his lungs, forcing him to breathe again. He tried this four times before giving up.

A smarter troll wouldn't have tried more than once. An idiot would have tried twice that many.

Now, watching Dave float in place and struggle to hold himself still and keep calm, you understand his tactfulness for just that. A strategy. Yesterday, he was fuming and cursing anything that crossed his think pan, but now he's quiet. Patient. If anger gets him punishment, then he has decided that a more docile approach could get him information.

You're almost impressed.

"Release him." You command, and 1.37 seconds later, his capsule begins to drain of fluid. Dave's eyes snap open, and he's suddenly very alert. You file this information away for later use. Human or not, Dave is a soldier. You had best remember that, and stop underestimating him. As easy as he makes it.

Dave coughs and sputters as the capsule opens and he's dropped, naked and wet - but not angry - to the cool tiled floor. Your heels click on the ground as you approach him, and you enjoy the rush of power it gives you. None of the trolls around you even dare to look higher than your neck. Eye contact is a strict no. That's why it surprises you when Dave looks up, and doesn't flinch away or react at all as your eyes meet his.

His shades - pesky, annoying things - had been ripped from his face, snapped in half, and discarded the second you got your hands on them. His eyes are as striking as ever. You know by now that humans have red blood, and that this does not correspond with eye color in any way. Even so, you find that the red pigment of his irises is… strangely beautiful. You don't know why. You've seen a mutant before, and their eye color is similar, but… something about Dave's eyes is different. You don't know what it is. And, quite frankly, it doesn't matter.

You pull yourself from your thoughts abruptly, and slap him hard across the face.

His unusually pale skin in left red from your hit, and you allow yourself to take minimal satisfaction from that little fact. "Don't ever make eye contact with me." Your voice is calm. You aren't angry with him. Rather, you're firm, and you see him give the faintest twitch of what might be a nod. "Always address me as "your majesty," human. Tell me that you understand what I've told you, or I will have to put you back in the capsule for a few more days."

Outwardly, he doesn't react, but his stomach makes a strange gurgling sound, and he sighs. He does as you say, keeping his gaze fixed on your feet and nowhere near your eyes. "Yes." He mutters quietly. "I understand… your majesty." He spits your title out with clear detest, venom dripping down his chin. You don't need to be making eye contact to see the hate in his ruby irises.

"Put him back in." You say with a dismissive flick of the wrist as you turn your back to him. "I'll be back to check on his progress. Eventually."

Over the sounds of Dave's cursing and struggling as your guards force him back into the capsule, you allow yourself a small chuckle, and smirk. It's been a while since you've had someone with as much fight as Dave.

You're going to enjoy this.

* * *

You wait for two more Earth rotations before going back to see Dave. This time, he's much more compliant. You make him an offer - you will let him out of the capsule and feed him, so long as he willingly allows you to put your collar on. It's a heavy thing, with a core of flexible steel and padded with fuchsia-colored leather. It bends ever so slightly to fit around thicker necks, and you think that it sits wonderfully on Dave's collarbone.

He dejectedly allows you to put it on, shivering every time your fingers brush up against his skin. You suppose that he missed the sensation of touch. His body temperature isn't colder than yours, but it's definitely lower than it was when you first met him. You have no doubt that he'll warm up soon enough, though.

Once the collar is in place, you lock it there with a padlock that you pull from your pocket. It is also fuchsia, just so that there's no mistaking who Dave belongs to. You lock it in place, and the lock fits very nicely against Dave's jugular notch. He has such pale skin. You're willing to bet that he bruises like a dream. But you don't have time for that. You have things to be doing, so you clap your hands, and take the leash that the guard offers you without bothering to even look at him.

You expect Dave to fight you over this too, but he just mutters something under his breath and doesn't protest when you latch it in place. You almost make a comment about how lovely he looks like this - just to drive home the humiliation - but decide against it. With your luck, he'll end up taking that seriously. "Follow." You command crisply, tugging a little on his collar for emphasis as you begin to walk.

"Uh..." You feel resistance against your pull, and bite back a groan of exasperation as you turn back to him. "And I'm… doing this naked?" His expression stays flat, but it's easy to see the confusion and reservation in his eyes. He's careful not to look you in the eyes, you notice.

"Yes." You reply, not bothering to hide your irritation. "If I wanted you dressed, you would be. Does it matter? No one on my ship is interested in you, or your unsightly human reproductive organs. You can cover yourself with your hands if you see it as necessary, but it will be hard to crawl with your hands preoccupied."

Despite the setback, you find yourself smiling as the little color in Dave's cheeks drains from his face. "I'm supposed to crawl…" He whispers, mortified by the very idea.

"Yes." You say again, arching your eyebrow. "Humans certainly are slow. It's no wonder that your species is losing the war." You give another harsh tug, and he chokes as you cut off his airways for a split second. "Now, come on. You can ask more of your ridiculous questions on the way. I am a busy troll, slave."

Something you said must spark a reaction in Dave, because his expression hardens, and he reaches up to grasp the leash where it connects to his collar. "You know what? No." He snarls, climbing to his feet. "I don't have to kneel here on this cold, fucking soaked floor and take that shit from the likes of _you_. Just kill me and get it over with already. I'm not going to tell you shit about how to defeat us, and I'm not going to be your kinky sex slave or some shit either. Here," he taps the left side of his chest, "right here, here's my stupid human heart. Take your best shot. Just fucking _end me_ already. I think we would both prefer things that way."

You wait a moment to make sure that he's finished, and then you reach out. He covers up a flinch, but all you do is put a hand on his shoulder and step closer. He's taller than you, but you yank him down easily, crashing your foreheads together. Dave groans in pain, his knees shaking and then giving out completely, sending him sprawling right back to the floor. Your own skull throbs lightly, and you're thankful not for that first time in your life that trolls have such thick and durable bones.

"Honestly," You scoff, rolling Dave over onto his back with your foot, "you're pathetic, Dave. Can't you take a little pain?" You bring your foot down over his odd bulge, grinding the sole of your heel into his crotch. You experiment with pressure, all the while feigning ignorance to the way he screams and claws and the ground desperately to brace himself against the pain. After a moment, you find an amount of pressure that doesn't make him scream, but still twists his face in agony, and stick to it. "Ready to crawl?" You smile sadistically down at him, and Dave hurries to nod.

"God, _yes_ \- fucking- please, just- s-stop!" Dave's voice cracks as he begs for leniency, strange, clear tears pricking the corners of his eyes as he does so.

You scoff, jerking hard on his leash. It pulls Dave from his whining, but his pupils are still huge, blown wide with thinly-veiled tears as he stares up at you. "You're an embarrassment." You hiss. "Scrape yourself off of the floor and crawl like the animal you are before I grind your puny little bulge to dust against your stomach."

He shivers at the threat, but you can still see that he wants to resist you. If only because he wants to keep pretending that he still has any pride left. You wait, and he slowly pushes himself up and gets into position on his hands and knees. You allow yourself a small smirk.

"There, now." You coo at him tauntingly. "Isn't behaving so much easier? Maybe you'll think about this the next time you insist on being stubborn." You can tell that Dave is still in pain from your previous ministrations, but he still manages to glare up at you, hate and quiet resistance burning in his eyes.

You can't say that you care about how he feels towards you.

The important thing is that, when you tug him along and start walking, Dave quietly follows, albeit muttering complaints all the while. You think that you can make a good slave of him yet.

* * *

 **\- consummateCrown [CC] began trolling gelogenicAxiomatic [GA] -**

 **CC: HAVE YOU HAD ANY CONTACT WITH SOLLUX RECENTLY?**

 **GA: No.**

 **GA: Why Would I :?**

 **CC: BECAUSE HE'S YOUR SHITTING MOIRAIL FOR STARTERS.**

 **CC: AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO KEEP TABS ON HIM? MAKE SURE THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE SOME SORT OF MENTAL BREAKDOWN OR HOWEVER THAT QUADRANT WORKS.**

 **GA: Karkat The Pale Quadrant Is A Very Complicated One**

 **GA: You Wouldnt Understand :P**

 **CC: I'M NOT FUCKING TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR WEIRD NON-CONCUPISCENT FORM OF ROMANCE. I JUST ASKED WHERE SOLLUX WAS SO QUIT IT WITH YOUR GAMES, MARYAM.**

 **CC: THE SMUG BASTARD WON'T ANSWER MY MANY HATE-FILLED ATTEMPTS AT COMMUNICATION. AND WHEN I SAY "MANY" I MEAN THAT THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY HIS MOBILE HUSKTOP HASN'T BLOWN UP WITH THE WAY I HAVE NO DOUBT OVER LOADED IT.**

 **GA: Please Keep Me Out Of Your Attempts At Blackrom Karkat**

 **CC: I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A BLACKROM WITH HIM.**

 **GA: Your Obvious Delusions Aside...**

 **GA: How Long Have You Been Trying To Get In Contact With Him :?**

 **CC: I DON'T KNOW. ABOUT HALF A PERIGEE? DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT. TIME TENDS TO BLUR TOGETHER IN SPACE.**

 **GA:** **Its** **Always Possible That** **Hes** **Ignoring You On Purpose**

 **CC: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?**

 **CC: I'M THE CROWNED RULER OF ALTERNIA. HE WOULDN'T DARE.**

 **GA: Considering That** **Hes** **Talking To Me Right Now Id Say That He Would**

 **CC: HE'S WHAT?**

 **CC: THAT PIECE OF SHIT.**

 **CC: FUCK IT, I'M TRANSMITTING ORDERS TO HAVE HIM DEMOTED.**

 **GA: You Cant Afford To Do That**

 **GA: There Are No Other Bluebloods On Earth With His Abilities**

 **CC: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE?**

 **CG: THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING.**

 **GA: Wait**

 **GA: He Wants Me To Tell You Something**

 **CC: IT'S A LITTLE LATE TO SAVE HIS ASS, TEREZI.**

 **GA: He Says That You Need To Stop Flirting With Him Because While He "Respects" Your Authority** **Hes** **Already Taken In The Black Quadrant And Not In The Mood For A Quote "2hitty pitch love triangle like in hi2 e%tremely** **unreali2tic** **and painfully cliché romcom2."**

 **CC: I'M NOT FLIRTING!**

 **GA: He Also Says That Complaining To Him** **Wont** **Change Anything Because The Human Is Still In Your Possession And Your Responsibility**

 **GA: He Suggests Seeing If You Can Get Any Useful Information Out Of It To Make The Conquering Of Earth Go By Faster**

 **GA: Apparently The Planet Is Boring And He Wants To Leave**

 **GA: Eridan Complains Regularly About The Distance And** **Hes** **Even Started Doing It To Me**

 **GA: Please Just Hurry It Up With Earth Because Millions Of Light Years** **Doesnt** **Make For A Steady Kismesissitude**

 **CC: YEAH LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY CONSIDERED DOING THAT. MR HIGH AND MIGHTY BLOOD IS JUST GOING TO HAVE TO SUCK IT UP BECAUSE THIS HUMAN IS MORE STUBBORN THAN HIS ASS OF** **A LUSUS.** **I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT ALL HUMANS ARE. IT SHOULD NOT TAKE THIS LONG TO CONQUER ONE BACKWARDS PLANET.**

 **GA: Knowing You** **Youve** **Tried Torturing Your Human Right**

 **CC: FUCK LOT OF GOOD THAT DOES ME. HE LISTENS MORE OR LESS NOW, BUT HE STILL DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING. WHEN HE DOES TALK, IT'S USUALLY TO INSULT ME. SHOULD I SWITCH FORMS OF TORTURE?**

 **GA: Something Like That**

 **GA: Why** **Dont** **You Try Befriending It**

 **CC: WHAT? WHY WOULD I DO THAT?**

 **CC: MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET OUT OF THE BROODING CAVERNS MORE OFTEN, TEREZI. THE THINNER AIR AND ALL THE DUST DOWN THERE MUST BE AFFECTION YOUR THINK PAN.**

 **CC: AND AS SOMEONE WHO HAS TO PUT UP WITH MAKARA REGULARLY, I AM AN EXPERT ON THINK PANS AND THEIR LEVELS OF ROT.**

 **GA:** **Dont** **Be Like That Crabby**

 **GA: Tavros Is Getting Better And You Hardly Talked To Him To Begin With Anyway**

 **GA: Even Less After You Left Alternia On Your Big Important Flagship**

 **GA:** **Hes** **Surprisingly Charming**

 **CC: UGH NO, TAKE IT TO YOUR INSUFFERABLE MOIRAIL, TEREZI. I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR FIFTH FLUSH CRUSH OF THE WEEK. ACTUALLY, I NEVER AM. I'M IN A PERPETUAL MOOD OF "TOO BUSY TO PUT UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT."**

 **GA: Youre Busy :?**

 **GA: Oh Pray Tell Why The Glorious Leader Of The Alternian Empire Would Ever Be Busy**

 **CC: FUCK YOU.**

 **GA: We Tried That Sweeps Ago Remember ;]**

 **GA: Now Get Going**

 **GA:** **Ive** **Been Told That** **Youre** **A Busy Troll**

 **\- gelogenicAxiomatic [GC] ceased trolling consummateCrown [CC] -**

As much as your friends tend to drive you insane, you know that Terezi is right. Dave doesn't respond that well to torture. So logically, you should shift tactics. Maybe a reward-based system is in order. Or, even simply befriending the pitiful creature.

Something in your gut tells you that this isn't going to be fun. But you don't have many other options except to try.

* * *

It will take you about half a sweep to arrive at Earth. You know that they know you are coming, and you know that the humans are afraid. But fear does something odd to them. It makes them fight harder. Dave does this as well, although in small ways.

When you feed him, you make him rest his head in your lap from his position on the floor and feed him the leftovers of your own meal. His gaze never wavers from yours, glaring hatefully at you as you coo at him and stroke his hair. Sometimes, he'll dare to bite your fingers, and you'll reward him with a harsh slap. It makes the hate in his eyes glow brighter, but he takes the rest of the meal in subdued silence. If you give him anything in your blood color, such as a shirt or jewelry, he will "accidentally" manage to lose it or break it by the end of the day. The collar is the only exception to this, only because it's sturdy and he can't get it off. When you touch him or run your hands through his hair, he'll pointedly rub or scratch where you touched, and ruffle his hair until it's so messy that you start grooming it all over again. And the cycle repeats itself in this way for a perigee.

Dave was sent to you via teleportation. It's fairly common technology on Alternia, but it has limits. Like size. You would already be at Earth and have yet another planet under your boot if it wasn't for how big your flagship is. So you have to travel the long way. You have scientists on Alternia working on establishing a jumpgate between your home planet and Earth. Sollux heads the development on Earth, which he know that only he can do, as getting a replacement from Alternia would take a few perigees or more. Making the arrangements and such and allowing them to clear their schedule. Trolls are primarily a warrior race, so the scientists that you do have are kept very busy. The technology for a jumpgate has been tested, but not quite on this scale. Mostly, you just want a quick way home once you arrive on Earth and finish up. You doubt that you'll be needing reinforcements. But if you do, then that helps with matters as well.

Expanding your empire is quite the headache.

It is because of this that Dave could be very helpful. If you can manage to convince him to your side, then you can negotiate a peace treaty with the human government instead of blowing them up. You know from experience and history that forcefully conquering a planet that hosts intelligent life can be sloppy. There's always a resistance, and rarely, this resistance can even force trolls off of their planets. This usually leads to completely planetary destruction, which is a hassle. "Peace" would be much more beneficial to both sides. Dave can help. Having a human speak for you should help to make them a little less hostile. At the current moment, humans absolutely refuse to talk to you at all. You have half a sweep to work with Dave, though. You'll be ready when you eventually arrive at the little blue planet.

So, you lessen Dave's punishments bit by bit. And bit by bit, his passive aggressive behavior lessens, if only marginally. He's less blindingly angry with you, and more calculative and confused. He doesn't understand why your behavior has changed, and that's fine with you. You set your leftovers on the floor for him to finish instead of force feeding him. You don't let him use his hands, but it's still an improvement to him. You return to him the clothes he was wearing when he was captured, and he doesn't say anything, but you can tell that they comfort him. At night, you usually tie him to a hook you had added to your wall and let him curl up on the floor. You order these things called "pillows" that humans reportedly enjoy from Earth, and give him a pile of them to sleep on instead. You do little things to confuse and please him.

Slowly - _very_ slowly - you go about the process of "befriending" Dave Strider.

You count the days by in your head, and can't help but feel satisfied when he last barely half a perigee before breaking.

You're lounging casually on your couch, enjoying some rare downtime. As it turns out, there's not much to do that isn't video related until you arrive at Earth. It's nice. You finally have time to watch some of those romcoms that Sollux is so against. Romcoms aren't even your favorite genre. You prefer Sci-Fi and action, oddly enough. Romance is always nice to mix things up, but seeing happy couples on your big screen just makes you… uncomfortable for some reason.

The film is a classic: _In Which Three Lowblood Males Go To Acquire Goods Of Questionable Origin And Legality In Order To Gain The Affections Of Three Highblood Females And Their Various Misadventures Along The Way_. A comedy, mainly. Romance isn't even the big focus. Dave sat silently through it until about halfway, during a lull in one of the scenes. He's set on the floor, leaning against the couch as you absentmindedly run a hand through his oddly colored hair. He has long given up trying to stop you from doing this. You aren't entirely sure why you enjoy it so much, either. Maybe it's because his hair is incredibly soft. Troll hair is thicker, stronger, and much rougher to the touch. In comparison, his locks feel like silk. You know that he likes the softer touches, though. You lightly scratch his scalp with your nails, and if you do it just right, you can catch the little sigh of enjoyment he lets out, or the way he'll close his eyes and lean into your touches.

It's almost cute. In a "so ugly it's cute" kind of way, of course. Him being human makes the whole thing a little odd, though.

"Okay, I give up." Dave sits up straight, and you let your hand fall away. He turns to face you, and you just barely manage to wipe your smirk away in time to set a practiced expression of innocence upon your features. "Just what the fuck are you playing at, _your majesty_?" Your title is, of course, said sarcastically. As always. He has only ever used your name twice, and you stubbornly ignore the way that makes your stomach tighten pleasantly.

You fake a look of confusion. "Right now? I'm just trying to watch a movie. Is that an insult in your culture, Dave?" His expression tightens at the use of his name. You've found that Dave hates when you address him casually, as if you're close. He hates thinking of you as a real person, instead of some hellspawn sent to torture him. You would probably be closer to him by now if he wasn't so insistent on hating you. Not that you blame him.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." He growls out. You consider punishing him for that tone, but decide against it. You're supposed to be becoming "friends" with him, right? You might as well let him air his frustrations. "You're not as clueless and innocent as you try to be. Fuck, everyone in this damn ship shakes with terror just at the mention of your name. If you told them all to jump out the airlock into space without a suit, I'm about 201% sure that they would do it. So I don't believe for even a single goddamn second that you'd do _anything_ without some deliberate reasoning behind it."

He seems to be done for the time being, so you arch an eyebrow, amusement clear on your face. "Dave, you're overestimating me." You reach down to cup his cheek, and he almost flinches away from you. But he knows by now not to resist any of your touches. "I'm just trying to be friendly. Would you like me more if I went back to being cruel?" Your lips stretch into a smile, toothy and unpleasant. "I can do that if you want. I don't have to be nice in any sense of the word." Your hand trails down the side of his face, slowly, purposefully, and you wrap the whole of your hand around his neck loosely, as well as you can. His breath hitches beneath your touch, his heart rate spiking hard as you lean in. "If I were you, I would use this to your advantage and stop asking unnecessary questions." You breath the words against his forehead, pressing a caste kiss to his skin before pulling back.

You get comfortable once again on the couch, your attention shifting back to the movie and signalling the end of the conversation Dave looks even more confused than before, and you think that you see red coloring his cheeks before he just shakes his head and does the same.

Your hand goes back to his hair, and the rest of the movie passes in silence. It gives Dave time to think, and by the end of it, all that's left of the hate in his eyes is quiet petulance. But progress is progress.

Oddly enough, you think that you're growing fond of Dave.

* * *

Dave takes your advice to heart. When you said "use this to your advantage," you weren't expecting him to do it so readily, or so soon.

By the next day alone, your small gestures of friendship aren't so one-sided anymore. He's more open. More responsive. He stops speaking in short, clipped sentences. Stops being so formal. Instead, he speaks in a manner that you think he's most familiar and comfortable with. Long, confusing metaphors that go absolutely nowhere and do nothing but take up time that would be better spent breathing. A lot of what he says goes over your head, because he likes to use terms that are disgustingly human and names that you couldn't place if you tried. They don't match the six letter name scheme.

Dave talks a lot about some guy named "Obama," who you think is some sort of powerful figurehead. Maybe it's their deity? You don't know how any human can come up with a decent name with such loose requirements. Any amount of letters. Anything you want, Dave explains. It sounds like a mess.

His constant stream of bullshit has a certain rhythm to it, though. English is very pleasing to the ears. Very calming. His words should be annoying, but you take comfort in them. It's been a while since you had a constant companion. You let him walk from place to place now, although you insist that he stays behind you and that you lead him by the leash, if only for show. You don't want any of the trolls on board suspecting that you're going soft on the humans. And you're not. If anything, Dave is getting soft on trolls. You have absolutely no second thoughts about ruling their planet. You're stronger than that.

Except that you aren't. Not really.

You try to ignore it. You really do. But as the perigees pass, you find your resolve getting more and more unsteady. More questionable.

He speaks animatedly about Earth, answering any questions you have in earnest. From what you can tell, Earth doesn't have one single ruler. You tell Dave that this is ridiculous and inefficient, but he quickly disagrees. Before you can get mad, he continues, explaining that ruling the whole planet is too stressful, and an absolute ruler like that has tried to rise in the past, only to be shot down. He tells you that people want to be able to live their lives the way they see as right, and the separation of rulers and people all together helps with this. Dave says that maybe it isn't right. Maybe all humans could one day come to an understanding that allows everyone to live together in peace. But that day, he says, is far in the future. For now, humans are happier that way.

You think about his words for a long time. Although completely asinine, his words… do make a sort of sense. You wonder if the same is true of trolls. Would your people be happier if you had less power? If they had more freedom to do what they desire?

You quickly dismiss the thought. No. Free will is a luxury that your people can't afford. Everything would dissolve into chaos if you didn't keep them in check. Trolls are twice as aggressive as humans, if not even more so, and judging by their history, they can't handle ideas and free will at all. It's better for everyone if you keep your grip tight, just loose enough to fool them into thinking that they can escape. Maybe this is barbaric of you. Insane, even. But as Dave pointed out, there are some things that they just aren't ready for.

You are positive that your people are happier this way in the long run. Whether they choose to acknowledge it or not, you have nothing but their best interests at heart.

During one of your movie nights (you've had so many by this point that you honestly have lost track of the amount), Dave complains about not having any human movies and about not understanding your "stupid" quadrants.

You respond by fixing the easier problem, and have Sollux purchase human movies on their "internet" and stream it to you, millions of lightyears away (give or take). You're no expert on relationships. Quadrants are a topic that you would very much like to put off for as long as possible.

When all is said and done, you have ten movies with oddly-colored people on the covers for Dave to chose from. Humans are weird. You don't understand why they would have so many different skin colors, instead of just all being the same. Maybe skin color is their equivalent of blood color? You aren't sure. As far as you can tell, neither is better than the other. But you reach that conclusion only a few movies in, so it's possible that you're wrong.

Another thing that you conclude from Dave's movies is that humans have no idea what the fuck they're doing with their romantic lives.

"Dave." You stop petting him to tap him on the head, getting his attention. He pauses the movie right in the middle of the scene where Love Interest B finally "gets the girl," so to speak, and the two are enraptured with each other, gazing into each other's eyes instead of going in for the damn kiss already. He turns to you, frowning.

"What is it, man?" Dave asks. You notice that he likes that word. "Man." Informal or not, he still doesn't call you "Karkat" all that often. You don't know why that bothers you, but you're not going to ask him to call you by your name. Then he'll know that it bothers you, and go out of his way to keep refering to you by anything except "Karkat". "I thought you were getting into this. I mean, it's even got the shoe-horned in love triangle where the loser gets the girl instead of the much more appealing second option. Too much lovey-dovey shit, or what?"

You shake your head. "No, the movie's fine. It's just-" your frown deepens, "why are all of the couples in your human movies between women and men? There's not even any side pairings mentioned between members of the same gender." You don't get it. Dave didn't say a word about the same-sex couples found commonly in your movies, so you figured that your cultures were the same in this respect, but his movies are vastly different than you were expecting. It's obvious that the main female has much more chemistry with her moirail. You don't see why they aren't in the red quadrant instead.

This is a fairly easy question to answer, but Dave looks confused. He frowns for a moment, considering something, and finally shrugs. "Dunno. It might have something to do with the fact that gay marriage was only legalized a few years before the world went to shit, and there are still a lot of homophobes around. I mean, people are _sensitive_ and you wouldn't want anyone getting _upset_ or _uncomfortable_ , now would you?" His tone alone is enough to convince you that his last sentence is complete and utter bullshit, and the roll of his eyes just helps with that.

"Gay?" Your frown deepens. And what are homophobes? The word is sharp and unpleasant. You don't like it.

"Yeah. Gay." Dave nods. "You know, like two guys or two girls. Your planet doesn't seem to have a problem with that though, so hey, I guess that your species can do something right. Kudos."

You're still kind of confused, so you ignore the insult to your culture. You let Dave get away with more and more every day. "You mean that humans have a word for that?" You have gathered by now that they have some sort of fetish for labeling everything, but that's just ridiculous.

Again, Dave nods. "Well… yeah. It's clearly much more mainstream for you guys. But on Earth, being gay is…" He trails off for a moment before he remembers himself, "well, it's not normal is all. I can just leave it at that."

In a way, this kind of makes sense. You never did bother to go into the specifics on human reproduction, but from what data you have gathered, it's heavily implied that humans can only reproduce when a male and female are involved. So if that carried into their romances, then as odd as it is, what Dave is saying makes sense.

"So, it's unusual for your species to be romantically involved with the same gender?" You ask, just for clarification. Dave hums in confirmation. You wonder if this conversation is tedious to him. It doesn't seem like it, but Dave is pretty good at covering up what he's thinking. "Are you? Interested in the same gender, I mean." You don't know why you're asking, and you want to take the words back as soon as they're past your lips. Why does it matter what gender he's into? It doesn't, of course. At least, it shouldn't. But it does to you, as much as you hate admitting it. You try not to think about _why_ , exactly, his answer matters.

The question seems to catch Dave off guard, and he frowns. "Uh," he hesitates, as if he doesn't know the answer for himself, "I don't know." He settles on finally. "I've never really experimented well-enough to know. As far as I can tell, I don't have a preference when it comes to gender. I didn't fool around a lot when I was younger and I never had the opportunity. Being in a war kind of shifts your priorities away from the next chick you want to bang." He smiles dryly, but then his frown returns, his brows furrowed in confusion. "But, to answer your question, I think that I do. Or that I might. Why?"

You are struck by the sudden realization that you want to kiss him.

The thought itself is so jarring that you immediately push the idea from your mind before you can even think about acting on it. You hesitate. You, the glorious leader of the vast Alternian empire, are unsure how to continue. You're aware of your position as one of the most desirable quadrant mates one could possibly have, but only from a logical standpoint. You're the emperor. You could have anyone you wanted. In fact, if you went up to one of your blueblood guards and told him to kiss you, you have no doubt that he would do so without hesitation, regardless the state of his quadrants. You're attractive. You're powerful. You're _desirable_.

But Dave isn't looking at you with forced lust, or greed, or any of the corrupted emotions that you're used to seeing in the eyes of possible romantic interests.

He's looking at you like you're just some kid he's having an awkward conversation with. Almost as if you're a real person and not just some tool to be used for higher social ranking. He doesn't want your money, or your power. You doubt that he's interested in some freaky alien sex with the guy who tore him away from his home planet, and frankly, the thought disgusts you a little bit, too.

That doesn't make you want to kiss him any less, though.

You swallow thickly, looking away. "No reason." You say unconvincingly. For a ruler, you're not as good at lying as Dave is. Especially not when you're flustered and so unused to having to hold yourself back. "But, uh… if you want, I could help you figure it out." You say slowly. You don't make eye contact with him. You're so fucking happy that troll skin is thick, otherwise, your face would be pinker than your blood. Which is saying something.

Dave doesn't reply for a moment, completely silent as he thinks. It's so quiet that you swear you can hear the gears in his head turning as he considers you. Finally, Dave lets out this sort of wheezy laughter, shaking his head at you. You feel your face heat up as you turn back to face him, and your cheeks are definitely a light pink by now. "Fuck, dude." His laughter calms down some, but he's still smiling. The sight does something funny to your digestion sac. "That's pretty gay."

And despite yourself, you can't help but snort with laughter, quickly using your hands to cover your mouth. "Yeah. That's kind of the damn idea, in case your shit-stuffed think pan couldn't figure that part out." The words come out muffled through your hands. You absolutely refuse to move them until your stupid smile fades. When did you lose control of your facial muscles?

For some reason, the insult makes his smile widen, just a little bit. Your face burns. Your cheeks ache from how hard you're trying to suppress a smile. Your heart beats so loud that it deafens you.

 _Fuck, what is Dave doing to you?_

"Hm. Yeah, sure. Why the fuck not, right?" Dave jokes _with that same fucking smile on his face that you hate_ , but before you can snap at him for looking so hot, his hands are enveloping yours, pulling them back away from your face. The distance betweens the two of you lingers for about two more seconds, and then he's on the couch practically half on your lap, _even though you've told him countless times not to get on the couch with you_ , and-

Oh.

Your anger is just kind of… gone. His lips against yours probably have something to do with it. You stiffen in surprise and confusion. You're supposed to kiss back, right? That's how they always showed it the movies. It's supposed to be this perfect, intimate moment as the two love interests come together.

Kissing Dave is not like that. It's… awkward, and slow. You're hesitant, your movements clunky and unsure as you carefully apply pleasure. Dimly, you realize that this is your first kiss. You're giving an alien your first kiss, and… you like it. Dave's lips are really soft, his dull teeth clanking against your fangs as he shifts into a different position. You thought that he was joking earlier when he agreed to kiss you, but he's definitely not kidding now, kissing you with earnest. You put your arms around his neck, and it slowly registers that he's panting against your lips just as much as you are his, and that you can feel his heart thrumming through his skin.

You feel overwhelmed, and you have to force yourself to pull back before you do something that you'll regret. Dave looks confused that you've pulled away, but your face is undoubtedly a shade of pink that's bright enough to be off the spectrum, and the realization that Dave's actually fully nestled in your lap does _not_ help.

You panic, pushing him off of you, and Dave hits the ground on his back with a quiet "oomph" of pain as the air is forced from his lungs. You shoot up to your feet, managing a quick apology as you cover your face with your hands and make a desperate abscond. You need to think about this. These… things that you're feeling can't be normal.

You're gone before Dave can get out so much as a wheeze in protest.

* * *

 **\- consummateCrown [CC] began trolling amorousGuide [AG] -**

 **CC: FUCK.**

 **CC: FUCK IT ALL TO FUCK KNOWS WHERE AND RIGHT THE FUCK BACK HERE BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I AM CAPABLE OF FEELING AT THE MOMENT.**

 **CC: FUCK FUCK FUCK.**

 **CC: YOU BETTER BE ONLINE BECAUSE I AM FLIPPING MY METAPHORICAL SHIT AND REALLY AM NOT IN THE MOOD TO MAKE IT LITERAL.**

 **AG: karkat.**

 **AG: gross.**

 **CC: OH THANK THE FUCKING STARS THAT YOU REPLIED.**

 **AG: yeah, lucky me.**

 **AG: so, why are you having a breakdown today?**

 **CC: IT HAPPENS TO BE YOUR AREA OF EXPERTISE.**

 **AG: what, you're having a quadrant problem for once?**

 **AG: color me impressed. i thought it would never happen.**

 **AG: good job, karcat ;33**

 **CC: NO, STOP BEING PROUD. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A GOOD THING AND I REFER YOU TO THE AFOREMENTIONED SHIT-FLIPPING FIT.**

 **AG: you should really get a moirail for this shit.**

 **CC: FILLING MY PALE QUADRANT DOES NOT GUARANTEE THAT THEY WOULD HAVE EVEN THE SIMPLEST IDEA OF WHAT TO DO.**

 **AG: so what makes me the master?**

 **AG: your thought process can be exhausting, karcat.**

 **CC: I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WITH EVERY GODDAMN QUADRANT FILLED. IF YOU CAN BALANCE THAT MANY ASSHATS AT ONE TIME THEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL ME HOW TO DEAL WITH A FEW PESKY EMOTIONS.**

 **CC: MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW TO MAKE THEM STOP.**

 **AG: i, uh, don't think that's how f33lings work.**

 **CC: SEE THIS IS WHY I'M COMING TO YOU.**

 **CC: YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON THE SUBJECT FAR SURPASES MY OWN AND I AM KIND OF HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN.**

 **CC: JUST DON'T TELL EQUIUS. ISN'T THIS PALE INFIDELITY OR SOME SHIT?**

 **AG: psh equius doesn't control me. B33**

 **AG: and besides, giving you advice doesn't mean that i'm cheating on him.**

 **AG: i'm being a good pal!**

 **AG: so on that note, i recommend not shutting off your f33lings. you need to address them properly and tell this troll how you f33l!**

 **CC: UH.**

 **AG: what?**

 **AG: wait.**

 **CC: I SWEAR THAT IT'S NOT AS BAD AS YOU THINK IT IS.**

 **AG: karkat oh my god, did you actually get flushed f33lings for your human slave?**

 **CC: OKAY SO MAYBE IT IS THAT BAD.**

 **AG: unbelieveable.**

 **CC: OH, PLEASE. WE BOTH KNOW THAT I AM DESPERATE ENOUGH TO DO SOMETHING AS COMPLETELY BRAIN-DEAD AS FALL FOR A MEMBER OF THE SPECIES I'M SUPPOSED TO BE CRUSHING UNDER MY CUSTOM BABY HOOFBEAST LEATHER BOOTS.**

 **AG: you're not desperate!**

 **AG: desperate to not find a good match for yourself, yes, but this is…**

 **AG: this is new.**

 **AG: and furry purrplexing.**

 **CC: OH MY GOD, NO.**

 **CC: JUST DIG OUT MY EYES SLOWLY WITH YOUR PREDATOR NAILS. IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN YOUR FORCED PUNS. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN A MEOWBEAST IN YEARS.**

 **AG: that is true.**

 **AG: but they are amazing creatures**

 **AG: and i highly respect their skill in battle and borrow their faces in acknowledgement of their abilities. :33**

 **CC: THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN INSPIRING OR TOUCHING IF YOU WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT A CREATURE THAT LITERALLY GETS DISTRACTED BY RED DOTS.**

 **AG: ok we're getting off topic here.**

 **AG: karcat, i don't think that the identity of your flush crush changes anything!**

 **AG: you still have f33lings for him, so you should let him know. :33**

 **AG: what's the worst that could happen? at the very least, it's not like he can run from you on that big ship.**

 **CC: SO, YOU'RE SUGGESTING THAT I TRAP ANY FUTURE ROMANTIC INTERESTS ON A SHIP SO THAT THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT MY MISGUIDED AFFECTIONS?**

 **AG: ugh, no, that came out wrong!**

 **AG: it was supposed to give you a confidence boost! X33**

 **CC: FORGET IT, NEPETA. I GET WHAT YOU MEAN.**

 **CC: AND WHEN THIS UNDOUBTEDLY GOES HORRIBLY WRONG AND HE HATES ME, I'M COMING BACK TO BITCH TO YOU.**

 **\- consummateCrown [CC] ceased trolling amorousGuide [AG] -**

 **AG: good luck! ;33**

You sigh, dropping your head to rest against the polished surface of your desk, and you sigh again. Sighing is nice.

Okay. So, apparently, you're going to have to have a hugely uncomfortable conversation with Dave about your _feelings_ and junk. And you will.

But first, you're going to submerge yourself in the sticky slime filling your recuperacoon and not come out for a sweep or two.

* * *

"Dave, we need to talk." Your words come out much more confident than you actually feel. Because you _feel_ like curling up in a ball and withering away into a husk, but over the years, you've gotten pretty good at hiding that particular emotion. You replace your insecurities with enough false confidence that it fools even your toughest generals.

But the second Dave turns his head to look at you, all of that time you spent encouraging yourself and steadying your resolve in front of the mirror suddenly means nothing.

His gaze conveys in an instant how he feels. For once, Dave isn't in the mood for bullshit. He doesn't want to talk to the ruler of Alternia. He wants to talk to _Karkat_ , the troll that's a little too short for his own good and loves movies more than he really should. The guy who is just as lost when it comes to relationships as Dave is.

So you take a moment to close your eyes, letting out the breath you had been forcing yourself to hold in. You slowly - carefully - let your false coverings slip away. You're hesitant to let go, because once you do, you're not getting your mask back for a while. But for _some stupid fucking reason_ , you trust Dave, and you let go.

"Dave." This time, when you say his name, you sound small. Scared. Maybe even a little hopeful. It's exactly how you feel, and while you can't quite place the look in Dave's eyes, you get the feeling that he understands.

"Karkat." He replies, and while he doesn't sound quite as pitiful as you, there's a distinct vulnerability in his voice that was never there before. He extends his hand to you, and you close the distance to take it before either of you can come to your senses and realize how foolish you're being. You didn't notice that he was sitting on the couch until he pulls you down onto it, but you're not angry. You never are with him anymore. You like when he quietly goes against your orders to get closer.

It's lonely at the top. In the vast emptiness of space. You realize that this situation was inevitable. You, resting between Dave's legs as his hands find their way around your waist. There was no other way that this could have ended. You're both too desperate for companionship - too selfish - to have let this go any other way.

You don't press any closer. You have a hand on his shoulder, partly to push him back if he tries to close the gap, but mostly to remind yourself of the distance and stick to it. You came here to talk. However inviting his lips may look.

With a heavy sigh, you lean forward, letting your forehead bump his, but you go no further. "What are we doing?" You murmur, your eyes half-lidded as you search his for an answer that you know he can't provide.

"Fuck if I know." Dave's reply is simple and straightforward and blunt, but the tone he uses makes it sound deeply profound and thoughtful.

You appreciate his honesty, though you still roll your eyes. "Help me out here, Dave." Your hand slips back around his neck, curling in the fabric of his shirt collar. "Some effort would be nice. It would be pretty goddamn stupid to continue with this. You know that, right?"

To your relief, Dave nods. He's smart. He can see that this - whatever it is between the two of you - can't keep going forever. It's going to crash and burn. It's going to backfire horribly. You know it. He knows it. "Yeah." He lets out a barely-there sigh, his fingers pushing up the hem of your shirt to stroke the skin of the small of your back. You refuse to outwardly react to his touch, even as the heat gathering in your cheeks abruptly turns downwards. "Would it be wrong if I said that I don't care, though?"

And then he's kissing you.

You don't care enough to even think about pushing him away.

You let your hands fall away. You let him coax your words of protest into pants for breath against his lips. Dave still doesn't know how to kiss a troll, but you honestly could not care. Your teeth cut into his lip, drawing his hideous red blood, but it does nothing to discourage him.

"What about when we arrive on Earth?" You ask through clenched teeth as he finally abandons your lips to move to your neck. "What then?"

He merely shrugs. "Don't care."

"But you hate me." You press. "I've been horrible to you- ahh!" An involuntary groan makes it past your lips as he finds your sensitive spot. Hearing your reaction, Dave attacks the area mercilessly, all tongue and teeth as he deliberately edges you on. You forget to be embarrassed by the way your body reacts to it, clinging to him and muttering curses just to have something to say besides another moan.

"You were." Dave deflects your perfectly reasonable argument like it's nothing. "You've stopped, though. You stopped trying to make me miserable a while ago, babe."

You're starting to get angry. You want to _talk about this_ for fuck's sake, but Dave is insistent with his exploration of your body. Then again, you aren't really trying to resist him. You don't want to. You let out a warning growl, squirming in his arms even as he leans forward and presses you snug against the couch. For the first time in your entire relationship with him, Dave has the upper hand over you.

All it does is infuriate you further.

"God _damnit_ , Dave!" You hiss, yanking your shirt back down even as he lifts it up to expose your grubscars. "Would you just calm the fuck down for a minute and _think about what you're doing_?" Something in your tone must get to him, because Dave actually listens. His hands still, resting on the couch on either side of you as he watches you talk with an unreadable expression. "God, I know that human culture has an overemphasis on sex, but this is getting out of hand." You continue, glaring up at him. "I'm here to conquer your planet, Dave. Remember that? There is literally no way for anything between us to work out. You won't want anything to do with me once we arrive on Earth in a few perigees. You'll want to leave, won't you? See your family and friends and whatever the fuck else you were torn away from. And I'm going to let you because-" Your throat is tight, your eyes burning with fuchsia tears as you look away. "Because I human love you." You admit quietly. You can't force Dave into one quadrant when you feel _everything_ for him. That much is abundantly clear, but you didn't know what else to call your feelings for him until you started watching his movies. 'Love' is an odd word, but… it fits. Almost lyrically. "But it doesn't matter. It _can't_ work out, and we're both going to regret this if we keep going."

Dave is quiet for a long time. You don't know what he's thinking about, but you can't say that you care, sniffling quietly as you wipe away tears. You thought for a fleeting moment after your talk with Nepeta that maybe you and he could somehow make his work, but you tried. You tried _so hard_ to come up with a way that it could work.. But it can't. Neither the trolls, nor the humans would accept the two of you being in a relationship. Your people would turn on you. The humans would call Dave a traitor. And even without that, you'll live for thousands of sweeps while the human lifespan is around 80 years. _80 measly years compared to the life you're going to live._ It makes you want to cry harder.

 _It can't work and you know it,_ but _God_ do you want it to.

You hate Dave for making you feel like that. You love him and you _want_ him, but even though his willing and able and literally on top of you, you've never felt so far away. You don't even know if he loves you or not. He certainly has no reason to. And wouldn't that just be the icing on top of the metaphorical cake? The human you love doesn't love you back.

It's almost poetic.

"Why don't you just not conquer Earth?" Dave says finally. You blink blankly. What? "I mean, you don't have to leave us alone or anything. You could just set up trade with us or something. Our scientists have been _killing themselves_ trying to figure out how you guys figured out space travel. And we have loads of interesting shit to show. We could co-exist. Why isn't that an option?"

You part your lips, ready to retort, but nothing comes. "Trolls… don't co-exist." You manage weakly. "We're a warrior race, Dave. We fight. Destroy. This isn't-" you shift uncomfortably, "I… don't know if that's going to work."

"You could try." He presses, his eyes burning intently as he stares at you. "I know that the humans would be down for that. We really aren't in the mood for another war. And I could… be your guide. Negotiator. Advisor. Just some dude that helps you avoid pissing humans off." Dave trails his fingers down your arm, and you shiver. He stops at your wrist, and you slowly turn your arm, until he can wrap his fingers around yours. The distance between the two of you is shrinking, but you don't want to stop him. "This doesn't have to end here." Dave whispers the words against your lips, and you feel something inside of you shatter.

"Say it." You wheeze out, taking a shuddering breath. You avoid his lips by tucking yourself against his neck, kissing with feather-soft touches of your black lips against his delicate skin. You want him - badly - but you need to hear him say it.

Dave doesn't hesitate. He doesn't ask for clarification. He doesn't shift the focus away from the question. Rather, Dave buries his face in your hair, bringing a hand up to cradle your head gently. "I love you, too." He sighs against your scalp, slowly kissing his way down, from your forehead, over the curve of your nose, and lightly pressing your lips together.

You feel so goddamn _pathetic_ in his arms, but you don't care. He makes you feel safe. Taken care of. You've been alone for so long, first with your secluded life underwater, and now as you shoot through space to a planet that somehow knew exactly what you needed, you suddenly don't feel alone. You don't want to let Dave go, clinging to him like he's your lifeline. It has to hurt, because you're much stronger than you look, but Dave doesn't tell you to stop. He presses loving kisses to your face, your hair, your neck - anywhere that he can reach.

"I don't deserve this." You choke out against his collarbone. You know that it's true. You have never done anything except hurt those beneath you, and turn on anyone when it's rewarding to you.

There's a pause, and then Dave slowly nods. "Maybe not." He agrees hesitantly. "Maybe I don't, either. But… that doesn't mean that we can't accept it anyway. Or that we can't enjoy this."

He's right. Of course. It's like he's always right, but you forget to be mad. You're just so goddamn relieved that you're not the one making the tough decisions anymore.

Still, you shake your head, relaxing your hold on him until you can look him in the eyes from a reasonable distance. "I don't want to… go any further." You admit quietly. "Not now. Just… kiss me? Please?"

His lips are pressed to yours before you can remember to be embarrassed, and you relax into the ease of it all. Dave's hands in your hair, tugging you close, your hands locked tight around his neck, and your already soft moans further muffled by his lips.

You don't want to worry about the future, or what quadrant you're in with Dave, or even how, exactly, this relationship is going to work. You just want _him_.

So you let your eyes close, kissing him back and letting reality melt away around you.

* * *

"I don't know how this is going to work."

You're holding Dave away from you at arm's length, frowning as you stare at the bulging front of his jeans. You can tell that your staring is embarrassing him, but you just can't help it. What on Alternia is going on down there? His bulge isn't moving at all and you're starting to get a little worried.

Dave looks to his pants, and then back up at you, his face creased in confusion. "What? Haven't you ever seen a dick- okay, actually, never mind. Stupid question. Of course we're not the same behind the cover of pants. Look, just-" He sighs, moving back to rest on his knees and gripping them hem of his jeans. There's hesitation in every fiber of his being, and he looks to you once more. "Uh… are you… okay with me ditching these?"

You answer with an immediate nod. Different or not, you have never been so eager in your entire life to see a person strip. You want to know all about his anatomy, like why some kisses on the couch and a little bit of light grinding was enough to arouse him to the point that his bulge was stiff. You've never heard of that happening before.

"Okay. Great." Dave mutters, and you know him well enough by now to know that he isn't expecting a response. He talks a lot to himself when he's nervous, which is impressive considering how much he talks when he's perfectly calm.

Still, despite how uncomfortable he clearly is, Dave pushes his pants down around his thighs, struggling to get out of them and be fast at the same time. You don't remark as he fumbles over himself, until his pants are pushed to the ground. The shape of his bulge is easier to see now, and it confuses you. It's kinda… small? You would need a ruler or something to be sure, but he can't be bigger than seven inches, and that's you being generous. It makes sense, seeing as how he's a mutant with that red blood and all, but you figured that humans wouldn't work the same in that respect, since their eyes don't either. You're not disappointed, or anything. It's hard to be disappointed when you go into something with zero expectations. You reach a hand out, then pause, looking to Dave for guidance. "Can I… touch it?" You ask carefully.

To your relief, Dave doesn't hesitate to nod. You weren't sure if that sort of thing was okay on Earth. "Sure. Just- watch the claws, please." He's pinching and tugging at the waistband of his boxers with one hand, nervous, watching as you move a little bit closer.

You start off light, pressing your pointer finger to his tip. Dave doesn't make a sound, just watching you as his face slowly reddens further. Taking this as a sign to mean that he's okay, you just barely make contact as you run your finger down the length, your frown deepening. He feels kind of… off. You aren't exactly sure what the issue here is, but he definitely doesn't feel right. You need to get a better idea of what you're dealing with.

Without warning, you wrap the whole of your hand around the base of his bulge, and give a firm squeeze.

Dave sucks in a breath, letting it out in the form of a small groan as he curls forward. His hand rests against the back of the couch, and you can see the material clutched tight in his fist. You worry for a moment that you've hurt him, but then Dave pushes his hips into your hand and you relax. You move your hand in a stroking motion slowly, hesitant, and experiment with different pressures. This is how you're supposed to stimulate a troll bulge, and it seems to work the same with Dave, because he's letting out little pleased gasps more and more often now.

You can see his thighs beginning to shake, so after another moment of this, you put a hand on Dave's chest and push him back. He lands on his ass with a small grunt, his odd bulge bobbing and straining in his boxers. You have the sudden desire to see what it - what _he_ \- actually looks like. You get the feeling that Dave wouldn't be against it.

You hook a finger around the hem of his boxers, Dave's skin thrumming with heat where you're barely brushing against him. His heart hammers in his chest, so loud that you swear you can just about hear it if you strain your ears, and he freezes, catching your eyes. You wait for him to stop you, shake his head, make any kind of signal that he doesn't want this, but he doesn't.

So you see no harm in continuing.

His boxers are discarded in one quick swoop, your eyes open wide so that you can't chicken out. You know that he's not going to work the same as you, but you tell yourself that that's fine. You can handle it. Whatever it is.

But despite your countless reassurances, you spend… longer than probably necessary just staring at him.

His "dick" is what he calls it, right? It's really… difficult to describe, and you're struggling to keep up with it all. It's like a fleshy pole, almost. You can't tell if his size is big or small for his species, but you do know that your nook would have trouble accommodating it. It felt firm and unbendable when you were touching it earlier, and it looks even more so that way now that it's uncovered. Your nook isn't made to take something that can't bend. You could probably do it if you tried very hard, but you don't want to try it when you're still so unfamiliar with each other's bodies. Maybe you shouldn't do it at all. You go to tell Dave this, but he speaks up before you do, stopping you in your tracks.

"D-Don't just stare…" Dave whispers, sounding embarrassed. And, you realize, lifting your head to look at him, he is absolutely _mortified_. His face is as red as his eyes, and he pointedly avoids looking directly at you, focused on some spot on the ground as he shifts uncomfortably under your scrutiny. "Karkat, c'mon. I… I know that it's weird, but don't just leave me hanging like this after you went through the trouble of getting here in the first place." His tone is needy, impatient, almost like a wriggler. But you don't say as much. He has good reason to be a little bothered by your behavior.

You nod, but you still aren't sure how to continue now. "Sorry, Dave, I just…" You close your eyes, and exhale shakily, opening your eyes to meet his gaze. "Tell me what to do. I don't want to hurt you."

He nods after a moment, reaching over to take your hand in his. "Okay, just wrap your hand around… like this." Dave positions your hand the way it was before, your fingers reaching around his length. "What you were doing earlier was fine." He murmured, moving your hand up and down slowly. "Just, stroke it. You don't have to try any fancy shit until at least, like, the third time. It's not like I expect you to be fantastic at this. It's like a, "I'm not going to be mad if you suck at it so long as you suck at it" type thing."

You roll your eyes, but at least Dave's rambling worked to dispel some of the awkwardness between the two of you. Still, you want him to stop, so you break the slow pace he set you up with to suddenly flick your wrist and jerk him up and right back down. You manage to cut him off right as he's getting back into the "Obama" guy, and instead of more bullshit, what comes from his parted lips is easily the most erotic sound you've ever heard.

You're not sure what you did, but you don't want to risk trying it again. You did manage to get your point across though, and now Dave is quiet, whimpering as you go back to the slow pace from before. You rub your thumb over his odd-looking tip, and he does a full-body shudder that makes you pause until Dave breathlessly urges for you to continue. He acts sometimes as if this pains him, but whenever you stop or hesitantly ask Dave is he's okay, he just nods and tells you to keep going.

You can't help but kind of… like this. The actual act of touching Dave is weird, and not all that pleasant, but you find his reactions to be well-worth it. He's flushed and panting, eyes closed as he hunches over slightly. His face is scrunched up, sweat beading along his hairline and dripping down his forehead and neck. You aren't sure exactly what about this is exciting you so much, but your own pants are beginning to grow uncomfortably snug.

"Uh, Dave?" You avert your eyes, pulling your hand back. "Can I…?" You cast your gaze downwards pointedly, and though you don't have a mirror, you're certain that your face is steadily filling in with fuchsia.

For a moment, you don't think that Dave is following you, but then he nods, looking sheepish. "Uh, yeah, of course. Shit, Karkat, you should've told me sooner. I didn't want to be the only one getting a sweetass handjob here."

Dave reaches for your pants, but you brush his hand away, shaking your head. "No, I can do that." You tell him. "Just get your shirt off. It's probably going to end up stained if you don't." He nods, pulling it over his head. The hem gets stuck on his nose for a moment, he mutters a curse as he hurried to deposit it on the ground. His face is red for more than one reason now, but you decide to spare his ego by pretending that you didn't notice, covering your smile by pulling your own shirt off.

You take both of your shirts, dropping them to the ground on top of his already discarded bottoms. "This is… going to be odd." You warn him, and then you tug down your pants and undergarments in one tug. You pretend that you don't notice him staring, your movements awkward as you get your pants all of the way off and send them to the ground.

"Well, shit." Dave blurts out, his eyes glued to your groin. "This is some anime type bullshit. I'm not dreaming this, am I? I didn't sign up for tentacle hentai, just so you know. This is way out of the realm of things humans are designed to have up their ass."

You crinkle up your nose in distaste. "Dave, say something that makes sense." You cut in, stopping him mid-rant.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to take that huge tentacle sprouting out of your crotch." Dave says bluntly, frowning.

A part of you is worried that he's going to go on about "anime" again, so you shake your head and speak up before he can. "Well, trolls don't usually do that, anyway." You start to elaborate, but Dave cuts in.

"Then how do you do it?" He frowns, tilting his head to the side. "Because, I mean, as long as you stretched me with a _baseball bat_ or something first, I should be fine."

You don't see what Dave is making a huge deal about. Okay, yes, you are a little less than twice Dave's size "down there" but he's acting as if you'll split him in half with your bulge. Which you won't. He doesn't even have a nook, so you won't be pushing into him at all. Fuchsia bloods are known for being "endowed" and you honestly kind of hate it. It just gets in the way and takes forever to stimulate yourself. But Dave _did_ ask how trolls do it, so… "Like this." You reply, and then you're moving.

You've had quite enough of Dave's words, and you grab him by the shoulders, pushing him down against the couch firmly. You're above him, holding him down, and you lean down to kiss Dave before his endless stream of _noise_ can start back up.

And you show him how trolls do this.

Your bulge twists between his legs, rubbing against itself for a moment before you roll your hips forward and it finds something else to latch on to. The item in question is Dave. More specifically, his dick. Cock. Penis. Whatever. He's told you a lot of words for whatever it is, each one more unpleasant than the last.

The look on his face as you squeeze his cock in your bulge is certainly very nice, though.

His breath freezes in his lungs, Dave's eyes blown wide as a shudder wracks his frame. "F-Fuck-" He chokes out. "Aah~ keep- keep it up, Karkat, God-!"

You don't know what the point in saying that is. You're burning up just as much as he is, moaning quietly as you rock your hips together steadily. You would not stop for anything short of getting your bulge cut off. But you don't want to tell him to shut up. The nicer way to go about this would be to just kiss him until his lips are bruised and he's panting too hard to croak out anything except your name.

Actually, you don't know why you haven't done that already.

You crush your lips to his, your teeth clanking his and sending a shot of pain through your roots. Okay, a little too rough, but Dave doesn't complain. He loops his arms around your neck, holding you tight against him.

Your bulge is pressed between your bodies, and you groan at the feeling, grinding your pelvis' together. Dave's heart pounds like a jackhammer against your chest, and he has to pull away from the kiss to cry out your name. You look down, surprised by the sight of his cock wrapped up in your bulge. It looks red and swollen, and you realize that maybe you're hurting him.

You start to loosen your hold, but then Dave is shaking his head, yanking your hips right back against his and letting out a small hiss of pain. Your knees knock into each other, you accidentally get him in the arm with your elbow when you hurry you catch yourself, and you're still not entirely sure how hard he wants you to be.

It's awkward and embarrassing, and you wouldn't want it any other way.

"Fuckin' kiss me already-" Dave demands, his head hung back against the couch as his back arches against your firm body above him. You ignore the expanse of his pale neck - presented to you like a prize - and comply, kissing Dave. He tries to make it into a rough one, and you shift your weight onto one arm to bring a hand up to his neck in warning.

He swallows hard, and you feel every little muscle in his throat as they work to carry out the simple, subconscious action. He's far too trusting. His pulse is elevated with excitement, not fear, as you squeeze just hard enough to make breathing difficult for him. Your claws don't break the skin, but they could. It would be easy. His veins are _right there_.

You could rip his throat out right now and he wouldn't even be able to scream before that wonderful fire of his left his eyes for good.

But then Dave shifts his hips, pushes up, and rolls against you in _just the right way_ , and you suddenly stop caring about how fragile and trusting your matesprite is.

"Dave!" You feel something deep inside of you twinge, and then snap, and you barely have time to regret not getting a bucket before you're spilling out onto him and your couch. You would like to say that you forget your body, it's so intense, but you're suddenly made very painfully aware that all you _have_ is a body, and it's overloading with pleasure. You can't focus on kissing Dave despite the powerful urge to crush your lips together until that's all you remember how to do. You can just moan, pant, scratch and claw at the couch as you rock your hips against his desperately and drain yourself dry. At some point, Dave tells you that he's close, and then there's white mixing with fuchsia, but you're too out of it too care. Touching yourself, it… well, it never felt like that.

You take a moment to relearn how to breathe, rolling over onto your back next to him. It's a tight fit, and the couch is cold and wet beneath you, but you really cannot find it within yourself to care. You pull him against you anyway, his back to your chest, and you tuck your face against the back of his neck, inhaling the natural scent of his sweat mixing with the too sweet hair care products that he "requested" from Earth. (You mean that he made you add Alternian fruit extracts to bottles of troll shampoo until the scent satisfied him. That was a few perigees ago. You still don't understand what the purpose of that was. And you're kind of afraid to ask.)

"That was…" Dave speaks first, letting out a shaky breath and closing his eyes. "Well, it was great is what I mean. I- shit, Karkat, we can do that again, can't we?"

You sleepily mumble something that might be an affirmative, kissing along his hairline gently. You like that you can make him sweat. That smell is much more appealing than the shit he spreads into his hair. "Only if you end up staying once we arrive on Earth." You say quietly against him, half hoping that Dave doesn't hear. There's less than a perigee of the trip left. He couldn't possibly still be interested in you once he got back to Earth.

Dave doesn't reply for a moment, and you think that you managed to luck out, but then he twists in your arms to face you, frowning deeply. "Of course I'll still be interested." He says as if it's obvious. As if you haven't spent more sleepless nights than you care to mention lying awake in your recuperacoon, just thinking about all the ways he can leave you. "Hey." He paps you on the cheek, getting your begrudging attention. "I mean it, Karkat. Dude, I'm not going to give someone my kinda-virginity and then leave them as soon as it's even slightly beneficial to me." He smiles gently, lightly knocking his forehead against yours. "I happen to love you, you asshole. Unthinkable, I know."

Despite yourself, you find a smile stretching your lips wide, and you let out a fond sigh. "Yeah, okay." You agree, running a hand through his hair and brushing his bangs out of his face. "I love you, too." Not that he doesn't well-know that by now.

Still, if the look on Dave's face is anything to go by, he appreciates you saying it regardless. "Just shut up and kiss me, you big sap." He teases.

So you shut up and you kiss Dave.

Because you love him. Because you _chose_ to love him. You chose to make his nonsensical rants from something annoying into something endearing. You made the glint in his eyes shift from insubordination to confidence and whimsy. You stopped seeing him as a primitive creature, and started treating him like an equal.

You chose a human over all of your wealth, all of your power, all of your influence and might.

You chose not to be alone.

And there's not a damn thing in the universe that can make you take that back.

* * *

 **Music Inspiration: "What You Know" by Two Door Cinema Club.**

 **(Gosh, this is pretty long for a oneshot.)**


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